maandag 12 maart 2012


‘I don’t consider us friends anymore,’ I told her, while clenching my fist. My knuckles had turned tomato red, but I didn’t care. Nothing mattered as the cold wind gave her shivers. I resisted the urge to throw my arms around her and keep her warm. Perhaps it wasn’t the wind that made her shiver. My words and cold gaze could have been the trigger as well.
As she started to tear up, I couldn’t bare it anymore. I looked in front of me. Staring into a distance even I could not behold. In front of me I saw all the happy moments we had shared. I saw the laughter, the hugs and for a moment I could feel the warmth. Until I realised it was something of our past. One day she would understand. There would come a day she would forget me and move on with her life. It wasn’t as if she’d liked me anyway.
‘What about the times we had fun? Have you forgotten about them, Shogo?’ she asked through her tears.
If only I had forgotten. Then it wouldn’t hurt me this much to leave her behind.  It didn’t annoy me that much that her sniffing increased, but what was so irritating was the feelings it created within me. Feelings of guilt and regret. I had promised myself not to be sorry about anything. It seemed like I was forced to break that childish promise.
‘Fun? I don’t know what your kind of fun is, but I didn’t really enjoy myself. You’re holding me back, Miharu and I’m sick of it. I’ll decide what to do or not,’ I said finally facing her again.
‘But...’ she only managed to stumble.
‘No! Shut up! Stop bitching about it. You’re irritating.’ This wasn’t me. These words didn’t belong to me. I didn’t mean them, but still, they came out of my mouth. They were delivered with my voice. An angry one, that is.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said softly. Wiping away all the teardrops from her eyes. ,I’ll change if I have to!’
Now I had to confess I did get annoyed. How could she be so stupid to think this had anything to do with her? I was not going to pull the it’s me, not you card. That made us seem too much like a couple. A desire I could never fulfil.
We looked at each other. I smiled my most honest smile. I tried to incorporate all my true feelings into that one gesture. Hoping that her brain would grasp why I had to do this. Her eyes only got bigger and teared up again. I couldn’t say if the blush on her cheeks was due to the cold or the most handsome smile I was capable of.  Snowflakes fell onto our bodies. We would surely catch a cold later on. Though it seems Miharu had already gotten the flue by the way she sniffed.
I turned my back to her sorrow. Raising my hand into the air and then started walking. My shoes left a footprint into the white snow. Happy memories were taunting me again. I remembered playing with my cat and chasing each other through the forest. I remembered the swimming parties, the times we drew together and all my stories I made us relive. Every memory stabbed in my heart. In that same cold night, I made a decision I would spend a lifetime repairing it. I erased most of our happy times. Like they were footsteps that faded by a new load of snow.

Geen opmerkingen:

Een reactie posten